Penn State Should Have Hired Pat Fitzgerald – But Why Make a Good Decision When Chaos Is an Option?

Satirical commentary. Not factual reporting.

Penn State football, ladies and gentlemen, has entered its performance art era. You’d think a program with a nine-figure budget and a fan base that analyzes depth charts the way some people decode ancient scripture would avoid setting itself on fire right before the early signing period.

But no.
Oh no, no, no.
Instead, the Nittany Lions chose violence.

Tomorrow is signing day, and the program currently sits with:
five recruits (yes, five),
zero head coach,
and a recruiting class ranked somewhere around the depths of the Mariana Trench.

You almost have to admire it. It’s rare to see a major program attempt speed-running a rebuild before the season even ends.

The Pat Fitzgerald Disaster-Class Miss

Let’s revisit the moment that will haunt Penn State fans for decades, or at least until next week when something even dumber happens: passing on Pat Fitzgerald.

Michigan State-yes, that Michigan State-took one glance at the carousel, spotted Fitzgerald, and said, “Mine.” They moved faster than Penn State has moved on any third-and-short play call in the last five years. And now they have a coach with Big Ten DNA, a defensive mind, and a track record of wringing eight wins out of a roster with three decent players and a dream.

Penn State?
They watched.
They pondered.
They hesitated.

And then they watched him stroll off to East Lansing like a guy leaving for a better party.

This is the coaching search equivalent of failing to swipe right on someone who’s clearly out of your league.

**So Who Should Penn State Hire?

Jeff Monken, Obviously-Because Why Not Try Something That Might Actually Work?**
At this point in the meltdown, Penn State needs a coach who can do three things:
Establish order
Build a culture
Hide the scorch marks from this coaching search
Jeff Monken is the man.

1. The Culture Doctor

At Army, Monken built teams that were disciplined, focused, and fundamentally sound-three qualities Penn State desperately needs, currently lacks, and may have forgotten exist.

Imagine that level of organization transplanted onto a Big Ten roster. Imagine a Penn State team that doesn’t false start eight times in a half. Imagine players who tackle. Revolutionary!

2. He Won’t Marry the Triple Option

Let’s get this out of the way before someone panics: Monken would not run the full Army offense at Penn State. Unless, of course, he wanted to, in which case, opposing defenses would cry every week and the Big Ten would ban him for being too creative.

Either way, he could build something functional, something tough, something coherent-three things Penn State fans haven’t seen simultaneously since the invention of the forward pass.

3. He Could Recruit a Brick Wall

Monken has the kind of presence where he could walk into a living room and convince a couch to sign an LOI. After this week, Penn State needs that skill.

Meanwhile, Another Target Seems to Be Off the Board

One of the names floating around fan circles-Kalani Sitake-seems to be leaning toward staying at BYU. Reports, whispers, gossip, and the universal language of “yeah, that’s not happening” all suggest he’s not moving anywhere. BYU is apparently putting together a strong offer, and Sitake seems perfectly content to remain the king of Provo rather than dive headfirst into Penn State’s open-air dumpster fire.
Honestly?
Respect.

If your choice is between stability and jumping into a tornado made of fan expectations, Internet rumors, and a recruiting class held together with duct tape… you stay put.

This Is the Moment Penn State Must Decide What It Wants to Be

Does Penn State want to be:
A serious college football program?
A respectable Big Ten contender?
A school with more than five recruits on signing day?

Or does it want to continue its current strategy of “improvisational chaos,” a performance piece called Disaster But Make It Athletic?

Because right now, the Big Ten East looks at Penn State the way a homeowner looks at a neighbor who sets off fireworks indoors.

Hiring Jeff Monken would be a step toward sanity, structure, and maybe even winning football games again. It would be the bold-but-not-stupid move-the unicorn of coaching decisions.

And most importantly, it would close the chapter on this surreal, slapstick coaching search that has left fans staring at their screens whispering, “Is this real life?”

Penn State started the fire.

Now it has to find someone brave enough-and competent enough-to extinguish it.

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